The long road...

I've been having a few bad days. I suppose it is to be expected. I would have been kidding myself if I thought I could maintain a positive attitude every single day through this long recovery. My friends would laugh at the thought of me being upbeat and undramatic for more than three straight days.


I have good friends. I'm lucky. They honestly know me. Not many people have that luck.


Last year one of my very close friends was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. We were 27. It completely changed my life perspective. It really did. I'm constantly comparing life to that now. When things that are trivial seem so important I think of how worse off things could be. Jill was a trooper. We got together for "girls night" before each of her chemo's and she was amazing. So strong. Never really complained. Just moved forward. Laughed and made jokes. Typical Jill. She finished her chemo treatments in September and her radiation in November. She's cancer free now - and moving ahead with her life by going back to school to become a teacher, and still working a full time job with a 3 hour daily commute.


Whenever I start to feel sorry for myself I think about that. It grounds me.

I drove yesterday and today which was exciting. Honestly, in my life right now that was exciting. Something we take for granted every single day. Progress!! Wasn't too bad. Getting into the car is a bit of a hassle, but I figured out a good routine if I put the seat all the way back. Finally. My 4 week appointment in next Tuesday. I hope he prescribes me PT or some other thing to do to make me feel like I'm moving forward. I'm hoping 6 weeks I'm off crutches - but that might be a bit ambitious.


It's raining outside right now. I hear the rain dripping from the gutters. Quiet.

The pain is the worst at night. I don't sleep. I suppose I could continue to drug myself up at night, but then I feel like crap during the day. I get this really sharp, intense pain along my incision - but it's not the skin - it's deep, somewhere in the bones or muscles. It really sucks. Tonight I've been having a weird pain in my groin which is new and also crappy.

I know why I had this surgery. But I'm doubting my decision. Or, I'm just dreading this long recovery. What if..?

Everyone is pregnant. Would I be pregnant? Why did we keep putting it off? What does that mean about us.. what am I, or we, so afraid of? Is my strange behavior and subtle jealousy only because the option isn't available right now?

This is a long road. I can't help but wish it was shorter, or easier, or that I could simply step out of this recliner, walk to the kitchen, and carry myself a glass of water - I can't. Not yet. The good thing is that someday, hopefully in only a few short weeks, I will be able to. Time doesn't fly when you want it to.